Messaging/emailing my son (13)

Good morning, I am writing this from steamy Cebu city, the Queen of the South and the oldest city in the Philippines. I often come here for a few days break because, although it's just as hot as South China, the beaches are better and the girls are friendlier.

'The girls are friendlier'? If ur looking for love that's fine ur life I just want to say ur nearly 50 and fat soooooooooooooooooooooo good luck - u can always find a blind girl. I have a question: was I a mistake? Due to u and mum having uhhhhh a sleep after u got divorced. Mum's a bit vague.

You were definitely not an accident (launches into long explanation). 
Anyway, here's a poem I wrote after you arrived:

The Gift

The night before you pushed and struggled out
I slept on the ground, ice and snow about
That was Art's path; I shivered coldly
My belly empty, sod and soul solely

But then you came, your hair was fine
Brightness eyes, beautiful son of mine!
I never knew before what life meant
Until you arrived an…

The missing moolah

Carrie Gracie and the missing moolah. Well done, Ms Gracie: a storming campaign. £@300K!? And then, in a gushing flourish, she gives away the lot to charity!

The genius of the haute bourgeoisie in manufacturing cultural hegemony... That millions of workers, for whom £30 quid extra might help pay the licence fee this month, should care about this Regency farce...

Yet they do, cheer or grumble as disposed, and fail to see the payday's been ponced from their pittance.


Yesterday I was 50. To 'celebrate' I am laying my oeuvre on an unready world. You may purchase a copy here. Alternatively the ebook here.
If I know you and believe you have sufficient intellectual and amoral heft to sup my ambrosia, I may send you a copy gratis. This supposes of course that I have an address for you. If not, you can buy your own, yer skinflints.

Diary of a Loony (7) (1975) Mr. Whippy

In 1975 we moved out of the Lodge. Yoni had found another job in Lincolnshire, where she would stay until, ten years later, she fled to New Zealand with her sons, cutting them off from their father for fifteen years. Fuck knows how they get away with it, but they do. Still, last I heard she was a mad, broke old bag in a tumbledown on South Island. 

We landed as lodgers in Vile's council house in Binfield Heath. I don't know how my mother knew Vile: probably one of the barflies at the Imperial Hotel, Henley. She was another runaway mother, who had taken up with the local ice-cream vendor, Pat. 

Pat was not a nice man. He thrashed Vile's kids for any reason, none or just because they liked to play. Perhaps he'd had a hard life. That Vile let him do this is, I hope, still a shard in her hoar heart.

My grandfather died and all constraint on my mother's madness was removed: it was about this time she took up with the hairy Scottish ape, whom my grandfather would have thras…

Diary of a Loony (6) (2011) The Winding River

Du Fu (杜甫) 712 – 770 - also to be found here: with thanks to Mish.

Returning every day from court, I pawn
spring clothes. The river sees my drunken mien;
my boozing debts mount up all over town.
Men do not often live three score and ten.
The butterflies go deep into the flowers,
the dragonflies on wing among the drops,
the passing time is always rushing hours;
no time to know you: separation stops.


Diary of a Loony (5) (1986) With the shrink

After the unfortunate incident at school with the naked little boys in the shower, I was sent to be examined. I'm not sure if the hairy Scottish ape, my mother's boyfriend, had been kicked out by then, but it was about that time. Perhaps it was the joy at seeing him go that made me break bounds; I don't remember.

My mother and I were summoned to appear once a month at the shrink's office, where we were gently quizzed on the circumstances that may have led to this dripping denouement. 
“Are you used to seeing naked men about the house?” I was asked. 
“Well, yes! The hairy Scottish ape, my mother's fuck, loves to strut about naked on his way to and from the bath, flashing his tool for all to see.”
I didn't say this.

“How do you feel about having a son who is so much more intelligent than you?”
My mother raged about this for days: dimwits always do.

On the third appointment, my mother and I set off as usual, walking together. Ten minutes in she stopped and refused to go…

Diary of a Loony (4) (2006) A night in Macao

"(T)he future is a horny worker's hand spanking a perfumed bourgeois arse; (s)he may keep a dab of scent and be grateful."  (Unknown revolutionary).

October. I went for the weekend with Meg, my Japanese girlfriend: it was her birthday. I was given a six-month stay; she was given three; I pointed this out with glee; I could tell from her moue the arrow flew true.

Later, in bed, having pleasured me in unspeakable ways - 愛のコリーダ - she pointedly asked whether European girls could do what she just had. I had to admit they could not, or at least never had. Thus her honour was satisfied and face restored. And thank God for that!